How not to say the wrong thing.

I found this article when I was researching, and I thought how wonderful it is! So, I thought I would share. I hope that you find it as useful as I do. 

How not to say the wrong thing.

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When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan’s colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn’t feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague’s response? “This isn’t just about you.”

“It’s not?” Susan wondered. “My breast cancer is not about me? It’s about you?”

The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors, but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie’s husband, Pat. “I wasn’t prepared for this,” she told him. “I don’t know if I can handle it.”

This woman loves Katie, and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan’s colleague’s remark was wrong.

Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. 

She calls it the Ring Theory.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to.

In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan’s patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. 

Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.”

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

Comfort IN, dump OUT.

There was nothing wrong with Katie’s friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn’t think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat. She dumped IN.

Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn’t do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.

Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the centre ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don’t just avoid dumping into the centre ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.

Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you’re talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.

And don’t worry. You’ll get your turn in the centre ring. You can count on that.

The original article is here.... Please click this link to www.latimes.com

Have you lost a beloved pet?

Losing a beloved pet can throw your life into turmoil. It can feel like nobody really understands what you are going through. 

I have experienced the pain that is caused through losing a loyal companion, a friend, a furbaby, and even though they have (mostly) lived a good, long life, losing them has still been one of the most painful experiences I have had in my life. And losing a pet can cause more intense grief than losing a family member, or friend. 

Your world has been turned upside down, and there is an empty void where there was once unconditional love and loyalty. The deeper bond we have felt with our pets has come to an end, and we can feel 'in limbo'. We can't move forward, and the memories we have of the happy times we have shared seem such a distant memory. 

When talking to others, they may say that getting rid of all their belongings will help, but trust me - it doesn't. I will be honest..... I still have things that belonged to my beloved Asti, who died in 2007! Just like I still have things that belonged to our spaniels - Scooby, Holly and Truly - who we lost in close succession a few years ago now. 

 

Keeping their personal belongings has helped me over the years. Just being able to look at their collars... their favourite toys... and remembering the fun times (and sometimes not so fun!) can help keep their memory alive. 

We now have two more little furbabies - Benson and Bella - both spaniels, who are driving me to insanity helping to ease the pain by making their own memories with us as a family.

We take photographs, we walk, and I'm pretty sure I give them earache by how much I talk to them throughout the day.... and I know they understand every word I say! 

So here's the thing....... 

It's important when you are grieving the loss of a pet to do whatever it is that makes it easier for you. Do whatever gives you comfort. 

For some people, this is getting rid of all the things that belonged to them, for others it is keeping them. 

For some it is planting a little memorial in the garden - for others it is having a special area in the house. 

For some, it is journalling, for others poetry... or art... but whatever it is that is important for you, to help you heal, it is a personal journey. 

Sometimes, you may find that as you are coming to terms with your beloved pet no longer being with you, you may briefly imagine seeing your pet, or hearing them around the house. Believe me - this is normal! It can be quite scary when it happens but after a while, it will start to ease and things will return to some sort of normality. A new normal without our loved ones by our side. 

But what if you have another pet that is grieving?

The best way of working around this is to keep a routine. Although it is very tempting to change the way we behave, it is more important to keep the routine you have always had. We find comfort in routine, and so do our beloved pets that are also missing their friend. 

Some people may tell you to 'get another pet'... and often this can help. But it is only right to do this when it is right FOR YOU to do this. It can help to fill the void of the one that has died, but it can also trigger so many different emotions. 

The most important thing to remember is that you know you. You will know when you are ready to introduce another pet into your life. Do whatever you feel is right FOR YOU. The right time to do it is when you decide it is the right time. 

Having spent a fair few years supporting those who have been in the unfortunate position of losing a beloved pet, I know how important it is to be able to talk to someone when you are struggling with coming to terms with your loss. 

I am here to listen, and to give you a safe, confidential space to talk about your loss and work through your grief, so please feel free to get in touch. You can find details of how to contact me at the top of the page. 

Working Creatively with Children and Adolescents.

Working creatively with Children and Adolescents, as well as some adults, can help to improve their communication skills.

In this article I found by Astral Academy, it explains why. I hope you find it as helpful as I did.

We will look at:

·        Why communication skills matter

·        What creative therapy means

·        Benefits of creative therapy

·        Creative therapy techniques that improve communication skills.  

Effective communication skills are important in almost every aspect of life and can lead to better relationships, stronger careers, and increased productivity. Good communication skills allow someone to get their message across clearly and effectively, whilst poor communication skills can lead to misunderstandings, frustration and conflict.

In a work setting, good communication skills can help your child build strong relationships with their colleagues and clients, which can lead to better collaboration and increased productivity. In personal relationships, these skills can help them better understand and connect with others, leading to stronger and more fulfilling relationships. Overall, effective communication skills are essential for success in one's personal and professional life. A major contributing factor to strong communication skills is the use of creative therapy.

Creative therapy is a form of psychotherapy that uses various forms of self-expression, such as art, music, writing, and movement, to help individuals explore their thoughts and emotions. The goal of creative therapy is to help individuals understand and work through difficult emotions and experiences, as well as to promote personal growth and self-awareness.

Creative therapies can be used to help people of all ages with a wide range of psychological and emotional issues. For example, art therapy may be used to help children who have experienced trauma express their feelings in a safe and nonverbal way. Similarly, music therapy may be used to help individuals with depression improve their mood. Creative therapies can also be used to help individuals with developmental disorders, such as autism, improve their communication and social skills.

It is important to note that creative therapies are usually provided by therapists who have specialized training in a particular modality (art, music, writing, or movement) and have a strong understanding of the underlying psychological principles and techniques.

Creative therapy works by allowing the individual to explore and process difficult feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It can help individuals connect with their emotions and inner selves, gain insight and clarity into their problems, and develop new ways of thinking and behaving. It is often provided in addition to traditional talk therapy, which allows one to explore and understand different aspects of themselves in a unique and holistic way. This can help reduce resistance to therapy and increase the chances of making lasting changes. It can be beneficial for children in a variety of ways. Some of the main benefits include:

1. Emotional expression: 

Children may have difficulty expressing their emotions verbally, but creative activities such as drawing, painting, and sculpting can help them communicate their thoughts and feelings in a nonverbal way. These activities provide many avenues of self-expression for them.

2. Stress relief: 

Creative activities can provide an outlet for children to release pent-up emotions and tension, which can help to reduce stress and anxiety.

3. Self-esteem and confidence: 

When children create something that they are proud of, it can boost their self-esteem and confidence. This can be particularly beneficial for children who may struggle with self-doubt or insecurity.

4. Problem-solving: 

Many creative activities require children to think creatively and come up with solutions to problems. This can help develop problem-solving skills and critical thinking abilities. These activities also enable a child to step out of their comfort zone and think of things from different perspectives. 

5. Socialization: 

Creative therapy can also be a great way for children to socialise and interact with others. Group art or music therapy sessions can be a fun and safe way for children to bond with their peers and build relationships. Creative therapy can also provide a child with a safe environment where they can meet other kids who think or behave like them.

6. Learning and Understanding: 

Being involved in creative activities allows kids to understand and learn the process of creative thinking and experience the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. They develop fine motor skills, their spatial awareness improves, and they learn to be patient and persistent.

It's important to remember that creative therapy can be tailored to meet the specific needs and interests of each child and can be a fun and engaging way for children to work through any challenges they may be facing. Some creative therapy techniques that help kids come out of their shells and improve their communication skills are: 

Art Therapy.

Children can use art materials to express themselves and communicate their thoughts and feelings through drawings, paintings, and other forms of art.  One creative art therapy technique for developing children's communication skills is the use of storytelling through art. This can involve having the child create illustrations to accompany a story they have written or verbally shared, or creating a collaborative story through a series of drawings created by the child and therapist together. This can help the child express themselves more effectively through visual means, as well as provide a non-threatening way to explore and communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Play therapy

Play therapy is a form of psychotherapy that uses play as a medium for children to express their thoughts and feelings. It allows children to communicate in a non-verbal and non-threatening way and can be especially helpful for children who have difficulty communicating verbally. During play therapy, a child is typically given access to a variety of play materials, such as dolls, action figures, art supplies, and games, and is encouraged to play in any way that they wish. The therapist observes and interacts with the child as they play, using the child's play to gain insight into their thoughts and feelings.

Through play therapy, children can learn to express themselves, communicate their needs and wants, develop social skills, and learn problem-solving strategies. It can also help them process and cope with difficult experiences or emotions, such as grief, trauma, or anxiety.

It is often used to help children who have experienced trauma, have behavioral problems, have difficulty with communication and social interaction, or have experienced some mental health diagnosis as well. Overall, play therapy is beneficial for children for a wide range of issues and can help them develop their communication and other life skills.

Drama Therapy

Drama therapy is a creative therapy technique that uses the medium of role-playing and storytelling to help children and adolescents develop their communication skills. Drama therapy can also help children develop social skills, such as cooperation and empathy, as well as improve their self-esteem and self-awareness. Techniques used in drama therapy for kids include role-playing, improvisation, and storytelling, as well as the use of puppets, masks, and other props. It is usually led by a licenced drama therapist who is trained to facilitate these activities to reach specific therapeutic goals.

Music Therapy

Children can use music to communicate their emotions and experiences and to improve their listening and verbal skills. Creative music therapy can help children develop their communication skills in a number of ways. One key way is by using music as a nonverbal means of expression. Children who have difficulty expressing themselves verbally can use music to communicate their emotions and thoughts. Additionally, music therapy can help children develop their social skills by encouraging them to interact with others through musical activities. This can help children learn to take turns, share, and work together. 

Music therapy can also help children develop their language skills by incorporating verbalization and vocabulary building into therapy sessions. Overall, the use of music therapy can provide children with an enjoyable and non-threatening way to develop their communication skills in a way that traditional speech therapy cannot.

Dance Therapy

Dance therapy can help children develop their communication skills in a number of ways. Some of the keyways that dance therapy can help children improve their communication skills include helping them become more aware of their own emotions and communicate them more effectively through body language and facial expressions. Through mirroring and partner work, children learn to understand the emotions and behaviours of others and express them through movement. This can help them to develop empathy and to communicate more effectively with others.

Dance therapy often involves group work and partner work, which can help children learn how to work effectively with others and to communicate effectively with their peers, thus inculcating in them the spirit of teamwork and cooperation.